Day 1

6:00am. This ungodly hour exists? Shower. Shave. Clothes. Tie that beautiful tie you handsome devil. Grind the coffee, start the maker, pour a bowl of cereal. Or scotch. Whatever.

Make the first bag lunch you've seen since 5^th grade. Make that PB&J, boy, make it! Throw in that apple. Go on girl! Oh no. No he isn't. Not the...OH GOD HE'S PUTTING IN THE CARROTS! GET IT! UH! YEEEAHHH!

Out the door we go, to catch that train to the nation's capitol. Rise from the gloomy, depressing underground, following a thousand others just like you. Except, they aren't like you. They all seem far less happy and optimistic than you. Most faces have the look that says, “I could have jumped in front of the train, damn it!” But you...you have the look that says, “Hey look at me! I've lived here for 2 weeks and my spirit hasn't been broken!”

Look at you, you've been hired to work in one of the most recognized cities in the world. You've made it to the top! Of the escalator. At the metro station.

Good for you!

It's beautiful, it's sunny, it's...7:02? Go on and kill that extra hour, boy! Walk to the Starbucks. Read that newspaper. Walk outside and...ah shit it's only 7:31. Pace around for 30 minutes...

As I walk in the door I take in the scene. I spent 4...okay, 5 years at college for this. I put in the time, did the projects, the extracurriculars, the crystal meth...wait, shit, scratch that....Busy little bees they are... Apparently most of the work around this office gets done via CNN.com. I begin with a hearty “Good morning! I'm the new guy here complete your work for you!” I know the most important thing about starting a new job is to make a strong first impression. Nothing goes over better than a painted smile and a slight erection. It goes over well. Immediately I receive a response. “Why yes, good man! Here! Take this spreadsheet and transfer numbers from one cell to the other for 3 hours. One at a time please...I don't trust the copy function on these computers.”

It's a different world, this world of business. It's a world that I just don't recognize. There wasn't such a thing as "cutthroat" when I was bartending. Back then it was, "make this drink while simultaneously making fun of the drunk frat boy buying shots for the girls that resemble pygmy hippos." It's a world where the using the term "cumshot" will more than likely get you reprimanded or fired. What the hell is up with that?

3 hours and 1000 Excel spreadsheet cells later, and I've made it. Lunchtime!

I eat my pathetic bag lunch at my desk. I know no one else, I have no responsibilities, and my boss isn't actually in the office. Yeah, that's right, my boss isn't there on my first day. I haven't got much of a choice other than sit and wonder where I'm headed. Hmm............... PB&J just isn't quite as delectable as I remember...

I hang around for another hour and am informed that I can leave for the day. When I come in as the low man, I expect to be there 2 hours after everyone else leaves. I'm leaving at 1pm?

PEACE OUT SUCKAS!

This is a year in the life of a new hire. Some things may relate to your experience in this new and unforgiving world of business, and some may not. This isn't just a year in the life of a new hire, though. This is a year in the life of a new hire...in the government.

As I walk out the door, contemplating the first day, I run into the man who was orienting me with the facilities. We exchange pleasantries for a moment, and I walk off, headed towards the metro. As I'm walking away, I'm startled when I hear my name yelled from behind me. The man is still standing there, and he sends me off with a glorious bid farewell...."Hey! Don't take a cumshot on your way home!"

Maybe this won't be so bad after all...or will it?